Left Behind
by Lil' Dragon
Summary: The is yaoi. Dunno what that means? Don't read. Anywho... Goku has tons of troubles with lovers leaving. How will he gone on without anyone?


Title of Fic: Don't Cry For Me  
  
Part Title: How Could you? (p1)  
  
Pairings: Goku x Mirai Trunks; Goku x Vegeta  
  
Warnings: angst, yaoi  
  
Description: This is my next long series. I'm still working on 'CTHD', But 'Stars' is finished so you can read all of that good stuff... This is a very angsty story where Goku falls for, first Mirai Trunks and then Vegeta after Trunk's final departure to his time. This part describes Goku's feelings after the story took place.  
  
normal text= Goku's thoughts  
  
italizized text= Vegeta or Trunks' thoughts  
  
~~= section seperator  
  
I remember when you first came to our time. Your gorgeous smile entranced me like you wouldn't believe. And the flowing mop of lavender hair, which rested atop your head; that was what distinguished you from the rest of us.  
  
You were shy at first, not wanting to interact with me or the other Z fighters. You had every reason to, of course you did. I felt a slight loss when you left after telling me of the dreadful occurrences which happened in your past and giving me the elixir to keep me from suffering the same fate as my future self. Vegeta had merely sneered and turned away from you then, thinking you another rival; but I knew better.  
  
If I only knew what you had thought of me then... It wouldn't have turned out this way... Or would it have still hurt us both in the end? Only the gods can tell, I guess...  
  
You were something that I had never encountered before in my life. How could I have only felt that minute loss in the beginning? I don't know, but now there's a longing inside me that reaches out for you like a child reaching for a toy, which is out of its reach. When you were staying at Capsule Corp with a few of us, eyes glued to the TV, you told me about some of your past relationships; the kisses you shared, the tears, the holding. I felt envious of the women whose hearts you had broken, and at the same time, my heart began to crack and fissure.  
  
Now I knew. You were untouchable, straight, untainted by the hands of another. Sex? Of course not. You'd wait until you were married so that you wouldn't feel like you had been used if that person left you. I wouldn't have left you, so why didn't I give myself a chance at seeing if you were truly all that innocent, or if it was merely a charade.  
  
I couldn't have known. Good Kami; did you really love me that much? Did I truly make your heart bleed with sorrow, sadness and guilt? Now I feel as if I am truly the guilty one, deserving of the executioner's axe. The signs were so clear, yet I ignored them. You had to be straight... Right..? I'm not sure of my own thoughts any longer... Kami... How could I have hurt you..?  
  
Time slipped by and I watched you train with your father in preparation of the oncoming onslaught. You resemble your dad so much. Its as if you're his twin, only with a better attitude and purple hair. I guess I should call you exotic. The black sheep of the z-senshi. Your skills were astounding for your age. I remember when you attacked me with your sword, parrying and thrusting; swinging and spinning. You were almost like a dancer in motion.  
  
You may not know it, but truly your dad takes great pride in your strength. I do also, though I know I shouldn't since your blood is not my own. Of course, I wouldn't have fallen for you so easily if you were, would I have? You stole my heart, and then broke it to shards both when you were killed and when you left. I watched you from snake way. Yes, it was hard to do, but I watched anyway. You don't know my feelings for you, and you probably never will...  
  
Trunks...  
  
Goku...  
  
~~  
  
I don't know how I ever missed your beauty when you were here. It probably took a lot of concentration; that or I was just plain ignorant. I guess the time I spent in that cramped hospital gave me TONS of time to think. I must have upped my IQ level while I was in there, because when I came out, I had learned more than I had learned in an entire lifetime. Of course, you still weren't impressed with my intelligence, were you?  
  
Always proud; always unwilling to admit what you believe is true or to unveil those tucked away emotions that you always claimed were so damned weak and pointless. I guess you were right, but not totally.  
  
I had always wondered how you had coped with the severe horrors that you experience under Frieza's rule. The brutal bastard put you through hell and everything else that was worse, didn't he? It took coaxing and a quiet little retreat in the mountains to get you to even mention some of those years; they were so painful for you to relive that I didn't want to push you so hard, but I did. All the brutal beatings; the brutal rapes; the destruction of everything you held dearest... They were etched so clearly in your mind that you could probably tell me every single detail of the rooms in which they occurred... And what occurred in them. I did not ask, though. Just the brief description from you made me ill.  
  
How could you possibly live with all the pain and suffering you have endured? I marvel at how powerful these experiences and your constant training have made you; both mentally and physically.  
  
You flatter me... I never stopped to wonder what your feelings were. I merely thought that you were an object; something unchanging and stable. I was wrong. I thought you were a stupid ignorant fool; I feel ashamed that I thought of you in this way. Your power exceeds mine, yet you always turn to me when things get rough, don't you? 'What should we do next?' Was what you used to ask me. I thought it was you taking pity on me. Little did I know that you actually felt honored to be in my presence? You respected my decisions and my faults and strengths. You amaze me with the respect you show even with all I have done to you...  
  
On Namek... What a mess... You fought bravely and dared to look your enslaver in the eye with courage and rebellion; which a slave should not do. You tried your hardest; truly you did. You wanted to prove that you could, indeed, stand on your own. But he beat you, didn't he? Beat you in a last ditch attempt to shatter your pride forever. Did it work? Hell no. You fought on. Even in death, when you were nothing but a spirit calling from the dead, you encouraged me to fight on; to remember all that was at stake and all the lives I was saving and taking revenge for... And, also, revenge for my race. I'd merely shook my head and denied my heritage. I feel ashamed that I denounced my own blood in such a way. I should have listened to you earlier; maybe then Krillen would not have had to be killed by that bastard and Namek spared its cruel fate.  
  
It doesn't matter now, though. Why should it? I didn't loose nearly as much as you did. Pride and honor crushed; you failed to avenge your race, leaving it to me to finish the job. I should wish that retched reptile back to life just so I could watch you kill him all over again, now that you are a Super Saiyan like me. No, not like me. You gained it from different means. We were always total opposites; from our personalities to our wants and needs. You were so full of pride and I, heh; you always said I was a righteous little shit. I guess you're right.  
  
Yes, those memories sear my mind just like any other involving Frieza. You know me all too well. You honor me by insisting that I fought bravely in the face of danger. Ha! That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard. I cowered when I saw his power. I cowered like a small pup whimpering to its mother. Where's mommy now? Probably wallowing in her grave and screaming to the heavens what a disgrace I am. What I forever shall be is a disgrace. Nothing can change it.  
  
Your opinions intrigue me. It seems as if you have lost so much when fighting that demon, yet you say I lost more, not including my life. You confuse me times. I can't believe that a fighter of your caliber would stoop to such a level to make me feel better about myself. It's not working. You are quite odd, my friend. Quite odd indeed. It's amazing that you have made it so far in a shorter time than I. You are younger than I, especially since you're dead so often. You have much to learn. Very much to learn...  
  
Love... You'd believe that word to be foolish, even childish. Yet that's what I feel for you. I wish you were here so that I could announce my decision straight to your face. What would you do, though, when you get over the original shock? Would you hit me? Kill me? Run away? Kiss me? Announce your love? It's so hard to tell with you. You're like a crazy suspense novel; you never know what you'll do next. Can you hear me right now; wasting my time thinking about the aftermath instead of what is to come?  
  
I wish I could see your face again. I want to be able to have physical contact with you; even sparring punches and kicks would be better than this. I truly wish that you would address my feelings, even consider them. I want to feel your strong arms envelop me and keep me warm into the night; I want to relish in the sensation of your warm breath heating the skin of my cheek and throat. I'm alone; so alone. Darkness envelops my form often. It takes so much from me just to find meaning in each day and keep training. Day after day I continue my deadly dance just to be able to train so more under some old Kai.  
  
Does my fate make you laugh? Does it make you shake your head in disgrace that a warrior of your race is in such a predicament? I wouldn't blame you. You come from a species, which is of the greatest stature. The fight is their one need and desire. All saiyans bowed to worship you, yet I do not. Does it make you curse your fate that I even exist? Please tell me this... I cannot go on much longer not knowing... Vegeta...  
  
Your words stir my chilled heart. None have loved nor cared for me since my father and mother... I mean truly LOVED me... My emotions are a jumble. This planet called Chikyuu has brought so much misfortune to my life and to yours. Why do you not hate me? I just cannot see why there is no hate in your eyes when you look at me; it is in the others'. I nearly destroyed all you held dearest, yet you have grown fond of me... Grown to love me..?  
  
How could you possibly want to see me again? I show no kindness or joy when I am near you and the z-senshi. It takes so much for me to understand these feelings, you must understand. I've lived void of anything other than pain and hate for my entire life. What makes you think that I could change in a few years...?  
  
You think so lowly of yourself, yet highly of others. I don't understand your ways of thinking... How can I when all I used to know was relying on myself and the talent of killing and plundering? Yet you wish to be near me, for me to give you comfort... How can you want me of all the people on this planet? Your wife gives you love, does she not? And your sons, they are truly art in the making. How could you possibly think that you have it so bad...  
  
...Kakkarot? 


End file.
